Neighborhood

Losing Hazel is so much a part of who I am and what my life is about right now, that it takes a lot to get me out of my fog. In some ways I’m super-attuned to others’ sadness, but I miss other things around me.

However, the lady next door coming out on her porch and shouting “Gotcha Bitch!” as well as other choice words was enough to shake me out of my own haze for a bit. This neighbor and the new owners of the house across the street have been having a bit of a feud. The next-doors have talked with me about the other people and I’ve been at a friend’s house when the other people have talked with her about the next-doors. I think they have both probably acted inappropriately, and I really hate being caught in the middle.

The others people are intent on “cleaning up the neighborhood” which includes, apparently, getting rid of loose dogs by shooting them with BB guns and trapping neighborhood cats and relocating them to the parking lot of a shopping mall (!!).

The next-doors are intent on living however they want whenever they want, which includes, apparently, listening to music at decibel levels heretofore unexplored, smoking pot, cutting firewood with a (very loud) tile cutter and having huge bonfires in their backyard.



Obviously, living in the city in houses thisclose to each other requires compromise. I’m aware they we are very lucky not to have dealt with anything like this before. But that means I’m clueless now.

When the next-doors came over to explain what’s going on (and, nicely, to apologize for having cussed someone out in front of my children), I encouraged them not to retaliate, and expressed my view that doing so will only make things worse, not better. They agreed that this was probably true.

However, since the other people have called animal control, the health department, the landlord and have threatened to call CPS on the next doors, I’m not sure how long the one sided cease-fire will last.

On a more positive note, we have had some families with young children move onto the street. So far, the kids are enjoying playing together and I’m enjoying watching them. This brings our block’s 0-5 year old children count to 16, I think.

A slideshow

I promise that there will be mourning-free content someday. But not today.

Here is a slideshow I made to share with some friends online. If the pictures repeat back to back, it's just taking time to load.

Sweet Noah

On Friday evening, Chris and I were preparing some things for Hazel's memorial service. We were looking at Hazel's lock of hair, footprints, handprints and bracelet. Noah and Miriam wanted to look at them, too.

I noticed Noah's expression start to change from one of interest to one of sadness and all the sudden he burst into tears, crying, "Hazel" over and over again. Chris and I were stunned, but we held and comforted him while he cried out his grief.

And we cried, too.

Hallelujah

We gathered today for Hazel's memorial service. It was heartbreaking, but so loving. Our wonderful friends and family members joined us in our grief and mourning, as they have been doing.



I wanted my baby so badly. She was very wanted, very wished-for, very planned, very, very, very loved. I will miss her every single day for the rest of my life.

I don't want to hurt this much forever, but I do not ever want a day to go by that I don't think of her, either.

How?

I'm definitely feeling that "how can the world go on???" feeling that I was told about. I feel like leaving random posts on blogs I read saying "My baby died! I'm so glad you have those cute baby things you're making, but don't you realize that my world has changed forever???"

Of course, these random bloggers have no idea what their reader's are going through nor should they, really, that's not how this is all set up.

I ran into a friend of a friend the other day and she was so glad to see me and I didn't know how to have a light conversation--small talk. I wanted to say, "I'm sorry I don't seem happy to see you. My baby just died and I just don't have any happiness left right now." Perhaps I should have?

I know the world is not going to stop for me and my grief. I am so very grateful that I am not carrying it alone. I'm surrounded by people who are grieving with me, who miss Hazel, too, and who are gentle with us as we figure out our new normal.

This prayer is from the Church of Ireland's Book of Common Prayer and I find much comfort in it--A "full knowledge" of Hazel!--I thought I would share it here:

Almighty God, creator and keeper of life,
we acknowledge that our child Hazel is your child,
loved since before the foundation of the world.
Grant us such trust
in the finished work of your Son our Saviour
that we shall look with hope
towards a full knowledge of Hazel,
whose earthly life we have so little shared
but who is now complete with Christ in you.

Poem.

We've been trying to plan the memorial service for Hazel. It's so much more for US, though--a chance to publically recognize that this small life was our daughter and that we loved her so very much. Her siblings still cry about missing her--her mama will cry every day for a very, very long time.

Some days I feel like I can barely pull through. Everything in my house makes me think of Hazel--even non-baby things. The bed I sleep in where I first really noticed she wasn't moving. The orange chair I sat in while trying to poke and prode her into movement. The couch in the living room where I rested after drinking a soda, hoping for her to wake up. And the most difficult--my own body, where she lived and died. I can't put my own body away. Sometimes I get so freaked out by everything and feel like I can barely breathe.

Gratefully, I have been able to sleep well, thanks to the antihistamines I've been taking to help with my milk drying up.

Ironically, but not surprisingly, based on the name of this blog, one of the hardest things for me has been my milk drying up. I feel like I have to say to my body "I've not cheated you! I'm not formula-feeding this baby! I just don't have a baby to feed!" I took such joy in breastfeeding my little ones for as long as they needed and it breaks my heart that I couldn't have that experience with Hazel.

Here's a poem I'll likely share at the memorial service, from Madeleine L'Engle's book A Ring of Endless Light:

The earth will never be the same again,
Rock, water, tree, iron share this grief
As distant stars participate in pain.
A candle snuffed, a falling star or leaf,
A dolphin death, O this particular loss
Is heaven-mourned; for if no angel cried,
If this small one was tossed away as dross,
The very galaxies then would have lied.
How shall we sing our love's song now
In this strange land where all are born to die?
Each tree and leaf and star show how
The universe is part of this one cry,
That every life is noted and is cherished
And nothing loved is every lost or perished.

Our daughter, our sorrow, our hope

Hazel Irene Smith was born still on Friday April 18, 2008, at 31 weeks of life in utero. She was 3 lbs. 14 oz. and 17-1/2" long at birth. The cause of death was a knot in the umbilical cord. We are confident of her resurrection and her presence in the full peace of Jesus. Indeed, her middle name – which we had chosen early on in the pregnancy – was strikingly appropriate (eirene is the Greek word for peace).



Jeni was hospitalized early last week for pregnancy complications that ultimately had nothing to do with Hazel's death. She was sent home on Tuesday morning, but late Tuesday night, she became worried because active little Hazel had stopped moving. She went to the hospital and it was confirmed that there was no heartbeat. From Wednesday morning through late Friday afternoon, doctors tried to induce labor in order to avoid a c-section. Having met no success in inducing labor, the doctors moved forward with a c-section on Friday evening.



The last week has been difficult, especially for Jeni who experienced these pains most intimately: experiencing Hazel's death, waiting patiently in hopes of a natural delivery, having to have a c-section, and then starting down the long road of physical and emotional healing. However, we have been comforted by two things. First, we thank God for the loving church community here at Englewood as well as our families who have surrounded us and bore us through this painful week. They sat and waited with us, listened to us, cried with us, held us when we cried, took wonderful care of our older children, came to see Hazel's body, and held her in their arms. But even more, we are comforted by our faith in Jesus Christ's resurrection and the hope (Grk, elpida) we have in Hazel's resurrection as well as our own.


The above was written by my husband, Chris; this comes from me: It is hard for a mother to believe that there is any better place for her child than in her arms; but surely the arms of Jesus are that place.

I've been feeling much darkness, much overwhelmedness these last few days, but I am holding onto the hope that Chris wrote of above.

Thank you for your prayers.

John Luke Walker

January 2, 2004-January 21, 2008
Nephew and Cousin
Only 4 years. We miss you, little one.


We know you struggled your whole short life, but you are now complete in a way none of us can fully comprehend. We will grieve with your parents and sister, but we truly do rejoice for you.

Ladies and Gentleman, we have a weaner!

"It's empty, mama"

"That one empty, too"

Oh, yes...we're done. Pregnancy will do that to you. (And having a 33 month old will do that to you, too!)

Oh, yes, pregnancy. Expect another little Smith to arrive in June.

I had an ultrasound last week. I'm a little over 14 weeks now and baby looks great. I have fewer large fibroids than last time, but hundreds, yes, I said HUNDREDS of tiny ones. I measured around 12 weeks overdue when Noah was born (52 cm), and my Doctor expects about the same this time. I'm already measuring about 14 weeks ahead. I'm huge. And Old. This is different the third time around--5 years older. I'm hoping for a VBAC, nurses who will listen to me when I tell them that I don't want eye gunk put on my newborn, people who don't second guess us when we say no circ and no vax at least to start with (the vax's that is, no circ'ing at our house, evah!)

Not-so-secretly I'm hoping for a little girl, although a little boy will be more than welcomed, too. I love my sister and really would like Miriam to have one. And I really like the girl's name we have picked out. So. Those are good reasons, right?

Blabbering...

Poop goes in the potty.

"Noah, you're big! You can poop in the potty!" (said excitedly by one hopeful Mama)

"No, Mama, I baby" (said disinterestedly by one 2.5 year old boy)


Sigh.


:)

Lancaster Part II

There was just so much fun this past weekend that I knew it shouldn't all go in one post. I will probably put more pictures up over the next few weeks as I get the ones from my mother's and sister's (not to mention my own) cameras.



I am the only person in my family that does not live within half an hour of everyone else. In fact, I live 10 HOURS away from everyone else. It sucks, quite frankly. However, we try to make the best of it (and, truly, I couldn't imagine moving away from Indy), and get the cousins to spend good quality time together while we can.



My mother usually has something special for my kids when we visit. I know she does this for the other grandkids, too, but since my children don't see her and my dad very often, they really look forward to the new toy, book, movie, etc. And I like it because usually the toy or movie stays at Meemaw and Pappy's house (the books usually come home with us)!



This visit, Mom and Dad set up the new tunnel toy my mother had bought for the kids. They loved it. All of them. It was a hoot watching them crawl and dive and somersault through it.



We spend a wonderful evening with my sister, painting pumpkins (and ourselves!) and making s'mores. The kids started out the evening by getting completely soaking in the fishpond.



Oh, the glorious mess of the painting! Both Gavin and Moses started painting their own bodies. Gavin ended up covered with paint and as happy as could be.

Lancaster

Oh, how I love to visit my hometown. It's always happy and sad together because my little family loves spending time with my big family, but I'm reminded through-out the entire visit all that my kids are missing from not growing up where I grew up. They have trash, drunkards, prostitutes and bad lawn care. They're missing beautiful rolling fields, wide-open space and Meemaw, Pappy, Aunts, Uncles and cousins. But that's looking at the glass half-empty, isn't it?



They're memories of growing up will be nothing like my memories of growing up, except...EXCEPT...they will be good memories. Because although those things mentioned above are all around us, they are also surrounded by loving neighbors, friends galore, and a church community that I can't imagine being without.


And the memories they make while visiting Lancaster will be memories they will treasure.

Thankful.

I was thinking the other day of how thankful I am for all sort of little (yet big to me) things.

I’m thankful that I have wonderful friends on whom I can completely rely. For instance, Noah and I went to help my sister-in-law, Heidi, with her two children, one of whom had just had surgery. I was supposed to be gone a little less than a week. My friends helped out and really took care of Chris, Alex and Miriam while Noah and I were gone. When my stay got extended, not only did my friends help out more, but they did my work (as in my I-get-paid-for-this work) for me, too.



I’m thankful that we didn’t pursue getting our windows installed by the company that now seems to have vanished off the face of the earth.

I’m thankful that many of the things I worry about (carseats, vaccines, diapers, toys, etc) are really a sign of just how good I have it.

I'm thankful for 3 children who are creative and full of energy and full of love.

I'm thankful for a husband who is truly a partner, who respects me, who works hard for our family, and whose purpose is not defined by us or other people.

Will he *ever* wean??

I’ve said that I wanted Noah to wean when he was ready…but he’s going on 31 months (that’s almost THREE!) with no signs of weaning. Well, that’s not entirely true. He’ll go days without nursing, then suddenly say, “Murr, Mama?” about 51,000 times.

I’m not really complaining, because I know I could wean him at any time if I truly wanted to and besides, would you say “no” to this face?


Besides, he’s probably my last baby—Do I really want him to grow up so fast?

Just FYI, I have no idea why he is pouting in this picture. I was taking pics of all the kids at Miriam's pirate birthday party; perhaps he didn't want his pic taken?

Madeleine L'Engle, 1918-2007

So much has been written about Madeleine L'Engle in the last couple of days, and although my first thought on reading the NY Times Obit was that she wouldn't have liked being classified as a Children's author, I do think it's a nice piece. You can read it here, unfortunately you have to log in.

It's easy to find out all about why Ms L'Engle was important to the world, but this is why she's so important to me:

Back in May of 1997, I’d been out of college for a year and was working for Borders. One of my very good friends from college had been a huge Madeleine L’Engle fan, so when I saw her latest book was available in hardcover, I snapped it up. I completely fell in love with the book and thought perhaps I could find some sites about L’Engle on the good ol’ world wide web. I found Bonastra.

I joined the discussion community and was thrilled to find others who love L’Engle’s writing. I had some questions about issues that were raised because of her writing, so I contacted the community “manager” because 1) I could tell he held beliefs similar to my own, 2) he seemed “wise”.

The manager, Chris, and I started emailing back and forth a couple times a week. I assumed, because of his writing style, that we was much older than me. I was a bit flustered when I discovered he was my own age exactly (23 at the time).


In September of that year, Chris made a trip from Indianapolis to the East coast and stopped at my parents’ home for an afternoon/evening. It was awkward, not at all romantic, but yet still interesting, to meet the person I had been writing to for 4 months. After this trip, there were many long phone calls, real letters and mix tapes (!!!) traveling between Indiana and PA.

In November, I made a trip to Indianapolis. It was during this trip (only the second time to meet IRL) that Chris and I decided to see if our weird online/long distance relationship could work.

In January, I moved to Indy, where I was transferred by Borders. Despite how it appears, we were in no real hurry. I lived with a family from his church, until I moved in with a friend. We got engaged in December of 1999 and were married in August of 2000. I met my best friend, lover and partner all because of Madeleine L’Engle.

I hope that children, youth and adults continue to read and pass down the love of her books. I hope that people read more than the typical "Time Quartet" and delve into some of her more obscure books (more on those in the next few days).

My husband just told me about another obit/memorial article here.
He would highly recommend it (I'm off to read it now).

Handmade/Locally made Christmas

Since this post will be virtually photo-free, I thought I'd include an oldy-but-goody of Noah "helping" me knit a blanket.

I've been itching to get some real crafting done, but I feel bogged down and un-creative b/c of the state of my intensely cluttered craft room. Reading Hilary's blog yesterday really inspired me to get off my duff and do something about that clutter. So, expect to see some before and after pics next week. Jena, if you're reading this, keep me accountable!

I've got lots of things planned for Christmas. We give each of our kids 3 gifts and a stocking. Most years the stocking stuffers end up being junky little things and this year I'd really like to make them some cool stuffers. Also, Chris and I decided to be a bit old-fashioned and give them each a nice orange (which they all LOVE) and some cool candies. I'd love to find some neat old-timey candies.

I'm keeping a list here of what I'd like to make and how well I'm accomplishing it.

Each of the kids are getting a suitcase from Pottery Barn Kids. (We got them for $15 a piece, gotta love the outlets--and sisters who drive to the outlets and buy them for you!) Now, I need 2 more gifts for each kid.

Alex- No ideas yet

Miriam- No ideas yet

Noah- A hobby horse. I'm using this pattern from Fern and Faerie. My mil had made one like it for Chris, which they gave to our kids, but Alex broke it.

Stockings-
Crayon rolls like this one:

I've got great fabrics picked out for each kid. Robots and gadgets for the boys and blue and brown various designs for Miriam.

I've got so much else floating around in my head, but the kids are asking me to help them make a tent.

IQ.

I've been spending a ridiculous amount of time looking up high school and college classmates on MySpace (especially since I'm not spending much time online right now.)

I have so many mixed feelings (he looks so YOUNG! She was in my class?, etc), so instead I'll post this, cuz it makes me feel all better. (And we know that internet IQ quizzes are so very acurate):

Projects

I've got a few things to work on in the next two days. We're going to see my parents so that I can help my mom get her classroom in order. She just had surgery and isn't quite up to her normal (super crazy) level of activity. We're also going to celebrate my nephew Moses's first birthday. So, I have to make his bday present, make a gift for my sister (a thank you for letting us stay with them), and I really want to make a couple of I-Spy pillow for a couple of her friends. We'll see what gets done.

For now, I'll show you a little knitting project that finally got completed and handed off to it's recipient. Here's Pinwheel:


And here's the best part of my post. My dear friend Jena and her husband Kate just welcomed their first little one. You can read about it on her blog. There's a pic and a wonderful birth story.

Some Craftiness

I've been very intrigued by some of the neat Waldorf/natural/handmade crafts that seem to abound on the internet. I made Alex a Waldorf doll for Christmas and it was HARD...I know why people charge upwards of $100 for them! However, I've found a neat craft that I can actually do--Bendy dolls. Here are my first ones:



If you want to see some that are made much better than mine, check out Mother Hues or Natural Playthings. I love these 2 sites.

Delay, delay, delay...

I suck at updating this blog. I hope to be a bit more regular about it, but I've said that before, so we shall see.

To catch up:

Miriam turned 3 the end of July, so I have 2 3 year olds now. Noah is 16 months and his lovely curly hair is getting long enough that people ask me if "that little girl" is mine.
Does he look like a girl to you?


At the beginning of the month we went on a week long visit to the New Meadow Run community, one of the many Bruderhof communities world-wide. The daily life there was very, very different than what any of us are accustomed to. Either Chris or I dropped the kids off at the "babyhouse" at 7:30 each day; then we went about the work we had set out for us. The kids ate lunch AND dinner with their age groups and were picked up at 5. We then had family time and put the kids to bed so that we could attend the evening meal (grade 5 and up) at 7. I thought the kids would HATE this (I wasn't so sure I'd like it--I really enjoy staying home with the kids and I've chosen to do that very thing). However, the kids loved it. Noah and Alex were especially glad to see us each evening, but all three kids simply loved being in their groups. Noah even started going on the potty, like all his little classmates. Miriam would have been fine to spend even more time with her group, but she always ran to us and hugged us, too.

I'd love to process some of our expereiences some more, but I hope to write more about them, too:

Here are some pics from that trip.





(forgive the awful pic of me--I blame it all on the fibroids and hernia!)