Monday, May 24, 2004

One of the people on Amity's world has suffered a fantastic and unbelievable loss. Her little boy, not even 3 months old, died of SIDS last week. I can't imagine the feelings she and her family must be experiencing.

When I thought about it, I convinced myself that when a baby's death happens there must be some sign. As if F. never really was awake and aware, as if maybe he wasn't "right" from birth, as if he had one foot here and one on another plane. But then I saw his picture--so healthy, awake, looking right at the camera with a little smile on his face. And I realized there was no warning. This little boy died unexpectedly with no way for his family to prepare.

And I know it's selfish, but I wonder how long I can continue to push the worry I have about Miriam to the back of my mind. How much longer can I last not allowing myself to imagine the worst all the time? How much longer will I make it enjoying my daughter and not allowing myself to focus on the "what ifs"? I feel like I'm barely managing to stay above the worry. But I am.

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