Monday, September 15, 2008

Etc, Whatever

I am without consistent internet access, thus the serious lack of consistent blogging. I miss it, though.

We've been invited to take part in a memorial walk/ceremony for babies lost this year through miscarraige, still birth and early infant loss. I'm conflicted about what to do. I feel as if I've done enough ceremonies. But, the catch for me is that they are reading the babies' names aloud, if parents wish. I would get to hear her perfect, beloved name.

We can also write a poem or remembrance for our little one, our Hazel. I asked Chris if he wanted to, but he declined, so I've been working on one over the last few days. It's very imperfect. I'm too emotional about losing Hazel to write something dispassionate or observant, so it's just raw, I guess.

We knew how to prepare for you:
Clothes and diapers washed,
Room rearranged,
Siblings excited.

But we don't know how to mourn you:
Memorials? Walks? Tears?
Gardens? Jewelry? Books?
Poetry? Talk? More Talk?

How can we even begin to mourn you?
Your curls, your chubby legs, your stubborn kicks.
But we learn, we cry, we even smile.
We live with your loss,
our sweet baby girl, born still.

Today marks 5 months since Hazel's death, nearly 5 months since her birth day. Getting this invite in the mail has made the last few days very difficult. I'm weepy and on edge again. But we are living, pretty fully I must say, and I suppose part of that is allowing ourselves to feel grief when it comes up.

4 comments:

Kendra said...

I was just thinking about Hazel this morning. I cannot believe it's already 5 months. Still feels like yesterday sometimes. I think you should do whatever you truely want to do. Don't worry about how much this or that you've done. You've said yourself, there is only so much you can do for this little one, and if you want to do it, then you should do it. If you really don't then don't. Simple as that right? I love you.

Anonymous said...

Jeni, I was so sorry to hear of your loss and so sorry for not sending a message until, i guess the concern of not knowing what to say prevented me. I do think of you often and pray for you and your family. I can't imagine the grief. I pray God will see you through each moment.
Krista (Martin) Primrose

Robin said...

Praying for you. You have been on my mind this week. Tomorrow is the 10th anniversary of Josiah's birth day. So I have thought of you often and prayed when you came to mind.

Robin

Anonymous said...

Know that you and your family are still in my thoughts and prayers.