Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009

I have weird feelings about saying goodbye to this year. It's been terrible in a lot of ways, but also pretty amazing. I've watched others deal with a lot of shit, honestly, and do it well. I've learned I can handle more than I thought possible.

As much as I've been telling myself that having experienced The Worst Year of My Life doesn't guarantee that I won't have another terrible year (we carry our grief, we bear our mourning, we wear our black into the new year)...I also (paradoxically?) find myself feeling more than a little sad that I'm entering into a year with no Hazel in it. Does that sound strange? Memories, yes, but not my actual little girl.

We had a wonderfully calm, warm, festive get together tonight with Matthew and Jena and their family. I had a lovely time. "Warm" is the right word. I felt warmed, literally, by the spirits imbibed, but also figuratively, surrounded by friends and family who care. It was good.

At one point, Matthew asked me if I was making any resolutions. Up until then, I hadn't planned to--I never keep them, why make them to begin with? But I've been thinking about it the rest of the evening and now have some general, live-up-to-able, resolutions to share.

1-Be healthier. I've been terrible about my health since Hazel's death. I figure it should be pretty easy to meet this one. Shoot, if I drink a few less cokes and eat a few less sugary treats, I'm good! Really, though, my goal is to start making some healthier choices. To move more. Eat more good stuff, etc.

2-Get more organized. I'm making a list. Adding things from here and here. I'm trying not to get caught up in making my binder look cute and then never actually getting it organized.

2a-Make a list of projects I really plan to complete. And try to complete it. By projects, I mean things like--the doll for Miriam and the cookbook for our church that had been languishing for year. sigh. I do better with a list--so I need to make that list!

3-Play more with my kids. I'm around them a lot. Listen a lot, but they don't "need" me to join in their play because they usually just play together...but I think I may need to join in their play. I need some space to quit worrying about grown up stuff and just play. My brother, Jared, decided not to play "grown up games" with us last week because he really just wanted to hang out with his kiddos and watch them play. I want to want that, too! (How's that for one doozy of a sentence?)

So general resolutions they are. Easy to rationalize away. We'll see how it goes.

Jena said she heard today that July 4th should be the day for resolutions (declarations of independence, yk?), so maybe that will be my chosen to day to check in a reevaluate.

Sad news...

This season, the season of celebrating the birth of the most miraculous, scandalous Baby in history is going to make me think of my own baby who is not with us. My own little stillborn Hazel. We miss her and although I anticipated some grief during this season (Last year, at this time, I was growing big and switched to maternity clothes. Last year, at this time, we announced her coming birth), it's not unbearable.

The season will be nearly unbearable for friends of ours, who will be going to the hospital on Monday to deliver their own stillborn child. If you are a praying person, please pray for them and their other two children. If you've been through this--honestly even if you have perfectly healthy babies--you can imagine what hell they are going through.

Pray peace for these parents as the see their baby. Pray that they will feel peaceful about all the myriad decisions that they need to make (and don't want to have to be making!!)

One thing I've learned is when loss hits you like this, you make the best decisions you can in the moment and then later, when you doubt yourself, you need to remind yourself of that. Over the next few months, while these parents go through their own fresh mourning, I would like for them to not doubt their decisions, but to feel peace in those, at least.

Lord have mercy on us. Christ have mercy on us. Lord have mercy on us.

And bring us peace.